There are things that happen in life that hurt and make you feel extremely angry and bitter or full of grief. They tear you up inside and change your life forever. Sometimes, life just isn't easy.
These painful experiences, though, do not have to define or consume you. They don't have to make you lash out, retaliate or turn into someone you don't want to be. Even when these intense feelings are legitimate and it feels like you should hold on to them for dear life because you deserve to feel the way you do, you should let them go. Holding on means these emotions will haunt you forever, dull the light that shines within you, etch away at your wellbeing and perhaps make you flat out miserable.
So, how do you let go?
- Write about your feelings. Writing is incredibly therapeutic and can help you articulate feelings you may otherwise be unable to verbalize. When I find myself spinning in anger and negativity, I journal. Put pen to paper and describe what happened, why, the specific emotions you are feeling and ideas on how you can move on. Imagine what you would to say to the person you're angry with; yell and scream through your written words so you can fully express yourself and start the process of letting go.
- Forgive. There isn't a person on the planet who hasn't done something to hurt someone else intentionally or unintentionally -- including you. Everyone deserves to be forgiven. That doesn't mean you have to forget, condone or excuse the behavior. Forgiving is about reconciling what happened with what must be done and then moving forward. Holding on to intense emotions is a big burden to bear -- a burden that falls squarely on your own shoulders. You can bet the person who hurt or angered you reflects on what happened far less (if at all) than you do.
Or perhaps it's yourself who you need to forgive. Even when you make hurtful decisions or terrible mistakes, you deserve forgiveness. Beating yourself up does no good; it doesn't change or undo the situation. Plus, you create much unnecessary pain by holding onto the past. Reflect on what happened and why, accept responsibility for your part, apologize if you need to and then let it go.
- Stop being the victim. No matter the situation, you have a choice of whether or not you are going to be a victim or take responsibility for your own life. Bad things happen, some of which are out of your control, but if you don't want to be a victim, take charge of your reactions and choices. You can decide to hold a grudge, stay angry, retaliate, lash out or fall apart -- or you can make a different choice. It's up to you, and there is nothing more powerful than saying, "I am responsible for myself, and I am choosing to come out of this situation stronger."
- Be more present. Focusing on the past means you are not living your life right now. When memories of your anger or pain creep in and you find yourself taking a deep dive into the past, take a few deep breaths and say to yourself, "That was then and this is now. Today, I am focused on my happiness and doing my best in this moment." As Eckhart Tolle so articulately puts it, "You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the now."
- Ask for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help if you find yourself stuck and miserable. In fact, it's the bravest, most honorable thing you can do. Seek counseling, coaching or group therapy, or simply talk through it with someone you trust for honest feedback. Remember, this life is your life. If you are miserable, don't keep doing the same things that aren't working. Take charge, get support and start the process of letting go.
Letting go isn't easy, especially if your anger or pain has been your dearest friend for a long time. But it's unhealthy to live your life being defined by these deeply felt emotions. It not only impacts you but everyone around you. When these kinds of emotions take up space in your heart and head, there is no room for happier, lighter, freer ones to enter. The biggest gift you can give yourself, those around you and the future people in your life is to find a way to move past these experiences and live a more fulfilling life.
For more information, contact Kerry Siggins at kerry.siggins@stoneagetools.com. To read her blog, visit www.kerrysiggins.com/blog.
