Many people describe themselves as empathetic, saying things like, "I feel other people's pain" or "People vent about their problems to me because I am a good listener." These are misguided statements; rather than being empathetic, these well-intentioned people are sympathizing. While nuanced, there are important distinctions between empathy and sympathy.
Kerry Siggins, StoneAge
Sympathy involves feeling sorry for someone, usually pity. It's relatively automatic, effortless and often sounds like commiserating: "That really stinks. No wonder you're so mad! I would be, too!"
Empathy is the ability to understand other people's feelings because you have a shared experience. You can console because you have walked in similar shoes. Empathy sounds like, "I hear you, I've been there before, too. What can be done to make it better?"
The difference is subtle but important. While in certain cases, sympathy is an appropriate response, but it can cause collusion, validating that the person being sympathized with is a victim of circumstance. This only adds to drama and propagates negativity.
Being empathetic is more effective; it fuels connection and creates accountability to solve problems. As Amy Fortney Parks, educator and psychologist, stated, "Empathy is when you're down in a deep, dark pit, and I climb down with you and say, 'It's really dark down here. How are we going to get out of here?' That's empathy -- stepping into someone's shoes, figuring out what he or she is feeling and how to solve the problem."
Here are some tips to be more empathetic:
- Don't give advice. We naturally want to give advice, but this usually is not what the person is looking for, nor does it help him or her step out of the victim mentality. Most people just want to be heard, so listen thoughtfully and offer to help come up with a solution.
Example: Someone was just laid off due to reorganization.
Don't say: "That's awful news. Make sure your resume is up-to-date, and go ask HR for your employee file to see if there is a real reason you got laid off."
Do say: "This must be very upsetting news for you. Once you've had a chance to process the news, I'll help you brainstorm a path forward."
- Avoid saying, "You poor thing." Most people dislike being pitied; it makes them feel small. Since empathy is about understanding and empowering, acknowledge the situation and redirect to problem-solving.
Example: Someone is complaining about a work situation.
Don't say: "I'm so sorry. That's awful. I feel so badly for you."
Do say: "That sounds like a hard situation. What are you doing to help?"
- Don't collude. It's so easy to fall into the gossip trap when there is interpersonal conflict in the workplace. Don't engage and don't collude! Complaining about a co-worker behind his or her back is toxic behavior; it tears apart the culture and not only doesn't resolve the problem, but makes it worse.
Example: Someone is in a conflict with a co-worker.
Don't say: "I would be upset, too. She never pulls her weight on the team. I wish her manager would do something about it!"
Do say: "It seems you are upset by the situation. What can you do to make the situation better? Can I facilitate a conversation between the two of you?"
- Don't paint a silver lining. On a different note, being empathetic isn't about minimizing or putting a shiny positive spin on every hard situation. Most people don't want to hear how everything is going to be just fine. Instead, acknowledge the person's feelings and help him or her determine one thing that can be done to make the situation better.
Example: Someone is feeling overloaded with work.
Don't say: "It's going to be OK; things always slow down in the fall. You can make it! And at least we are busy; it's job security!"
Do say: "I can imagine you may be feeling stressed about your current workload. What can be done today to make things feel more manageable?"
Empathizing with others will make them feel more respected, connected and supported. At the same time, it will hold them accountable for finding a solution rather than wallowing in a pity party. It takes intentional practice to be more empathetic, but doing so will make you a better co-worker, manager and friend.
For more information, contact Kerry Siggins at kerry.siggins@stoneagetools.com. To read her blog, visit www.kerrysiggins.com/blog.
