How to ask for what you want
I was recently relaxing in a comfortable chair at a party when my 3-year-old son, Jack, came over to ask for more Doritos®; the bowl he had been eating from was empty. I pointed him in the direction of the kitchen and told him to go ask the host if he had any more. Looking intimidated, Jack momentarily hesitated and then ran over to ask for more chips. The women I was speaking with at the time looked over at me and said, âI donât blame you for not wanting to get up; momma needs a break now and then!â
I was startled at her statement. âOh, I donât mind getting up,â I said. âIâm always looking for opportunities to encourage Jack to ask for what he wants rather than doing it for him. How many times in life have we foregone what we really wanted because we were too afraid to ask? I figure teaching him to ask for small things helps him gain confidence to go after the bigger asks in life.â
She looked at me with surprise and said, âYouâre absolutely right. I am guilty of not asking for what I want all the time!â
Iâm here to encourage you to ask for what you want. If you donât, youâve already given yourself a âno.â
Look, I get there are all kinds of convincing reasons why you shouldnât ask for what you want. You donât want to seem pushy. You donât want to be rejected; youâll be embarrassed if youâre told no. What you want is obvious; you shouldnât have to ask. There are a million excuses not to ask for what you want, but they are just that: excuses. So stop making them and start asking. Hereâs how to ask for what you want:
⢠Be clear about what you want â The more clarity you have about what you want and why you want it, the easier it is to ask. If you believe in what you are asking for, youâll be more articulate and able to influence the person you are asking. If you arenât clear, do more research, dig deeper, understand your motivations and then write it down.
⢠Know who to ask â If you ask the wrong person, youâre bound to get a no, or get a yes that canât be delivered. Itâs hard to ask for something over and over, so know who the decision makers are ahead of time. Also, itâs important to try to anticipate reasons why you might get a no. Think through the motivations, concerns and roadblocks of the people you are asking and be prepared to speak to them.
⢠Think about your body language â Donât slouch, mumble, cross your arms or look at the ground. Show confidence by sitting up straight, breathing slowly and making eye contact. Also, remember to smile. You are much more likely to get what you want by putting the responder at ease with calm nonverbal cues.
⢠Be direct and specific about what you want â Donât beat around the bush, hem and haw, or expect people to read your mind. Define the problem, specify what you want and outline what you think the person you are asking will have to do to fulfill your request. Then, ask for what you want.
⢠Always be gracious â Acknowledge with gratitude what the other person will have to do in order to give you a yes. Show appreciation. Be polite and cognizant of his or her time. Use positive language and refrain from giving ultimatums.
What to do if you get a no
Getting told ânoâ can be hard to take. You may feel a wide range of emotions and want to lash out, shut down or give up. Donât. Everyone gets told no. Seek to understand why and then regroup. Come up with Plan B. And remember, you get the opportunity to learn more about yourself when you have to overcome challenges.
Donât ask for too much, too often
Donât be that person who is always asking for favors or who consistently takes more than his or her fair share. Although itâs good to ask for what you want, people will become wary when you do it too often or ask for too much. Think about the relative value of what you are asking for, and donât ask just for the sake of asking or winning.
Life is too short not to ask for what you want, so why not just go for it? You might just surprise yourself and get what you ask for.
For more information, contact Kerry Siggins at kerry.siggins@stone agetools.com. To read her blog, visit www.kerrysiggins.com/blog.