Wind tower to tap jet stream

The U.S. General Services Administration announced a groundbreaking project to tap into an enormous wind energy source six miles above the surface of the Earth — the 110 mile per hour jet stream. 

The really, really big new wind turbine tower, code named Sowindra (rhymes with Solyndra), was immediately hailed as a triumph by environmentalists in government and industry.  

The 31,000 foot tower was conceived and designed by renowned scientist Dr. Emmett Brown, Ph.D.  At the announcement ceremony, Dr. Brown, laughing to himself, recalled when he came up with the idea. “I remember it vividly. I was standing on the edge of my toilet, hanging a clock. The porcelain was wet, I slipped, hit my head on the edge of the sink ...” He held up a diagram of Sowindra he had sketched, which looked curiously like a flux capacitor.

The copper, nickel, chromium, zinc, cobalt, lithium graphite and rare earth metals needed for the project are available domestically, but environmentalists have blocked most mining in the United States. The project will therefore source all the materials from Communist China, mining operations not subject to environmental standards and reporting. 

Ima Notatellayu (them/they), spokesperson for Mother Earth, said this is a great day for the Earth. “Chinese mining operations report zero environmental violations.  Plus, anecdotes of forced labor among Uyghur and other ethnic minorities are exaggerated by certain media outlets.  Any substitution for fossil fuels is a big win for our Mother.”

Max Bedlam, GSA’s senior advisor on climate, said “Prioritizing government projects that generate low carbon and clean energy is better for the planet, and make us feel really good about ourselves.”

When asked about the construction cost for the project being $89,000 per kilowatt, compared to the average construction cost for a natural gas generator of $1,100 per kilowatt, Bedlam responded, "It will not cost the taxpayer one single dollar. Sowindra is being funded with a $5 trillion stimulus-fund loan, guaranteed by the Department of Energy. But they will repay it." 

There were no more questions from the press corps on this April Fools’ Day.