We could all use more candor in our lives
Candidness is such a rarity today; maybe it always has been. We all say we want it but tend to become defensive when we get it. Fear of conflict and hurt feelings causes us not to be candid. But without it, much goes unsaid, leaving missed opportunities.
What exactly is candidness? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary says it’s “the free expression of one’s true feelings and opinions.” Candidness is the quality of speaking with honesty, authenticity and directness.
What’s missing from this definition is effective candor is a dialogue; it allows you to explore meaningful, opposing and even uncomfortable ideas and perspectives. It’s not about “just telling it like it is” and walking away or an opportunity to stand on one’s soap box lecturing or spewing hurtful opinions. It’s about considering what others are saying.
Candor matters
Without direct, honest feedback, no one can improve. Smart ideas are left unexplored, assumptions go unchallenged, and feelings are unexpressed. This leads to unhappy, disengaged people. A lack of straightforward communication affects every relationship and every organization. Candidness is essential to solving the problems we face on a day-to-day basis.
The decision to be candid is a personal choice
It’s up to you to decide whether or not you are going to engage in thoughtful, honest, mutually beneficial communication. It might be messy at first, but like any skill, you’ll get better with practice and self-evaluation. If the delivery of your message is poorly received, it may seem easier to clam up, vowing never to give feedback again. Don’t do this. Evaluate yourself. Was your tone too harsh? Did you have poor timing?
How to be more candid without damaging relationships
We all fear being too candid. We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings or be viewed as jerks. We fear our words will be held against us or we may be passed up for a promotion. These are all excuses. Candor can be done in a way that improves relationships, builds trust and helps you be more successful. Here are some suggestions:
- Be kind — Candid feedback does not mean cruel feedback. The person in front of you is a human being with hopes, dreams and fears just like you. Candor is not about attacking, blaming or shaming. It’s about authentically sharing your thoughts and feelings to improve a situation. This means being clear on your intentions, motivations and objectives. Make sure they are in the spirit of building up rather than tearing down.
- Don’t beat around the bush — Candor requires direct, straightforward speaking. Say what you think; say what you mean. Sugarcoating the message minimizes impact and leads to misunderstandings.
- Be objective — What you are about to say is your opinion, and as much as it feels like the absolute truth, you might not have the whole story. You may be flat out wrong. Being candid is about creating a dialogue; remaining objective helps keep the door open rather than slamming it shut.
- Have specific examples — Without specific examples to support your opinions, it’s hard for anyone to gain deeper insight and creates defensiveness. Here’s an example: “I believe this is a bad idea” versus “I believe this is a bad idea. We don’t have enough information to proceed. Recall the last time we made a kneejerk decision? We had to undo six months’ worth of work and start over.”
- Ask for feedback — Effective candor takes practice, and the best kind of practice involves analyzing performance. Plus, asking for opinions about your candor gives you the opportunity to improve at receiving feedback, showing you truly value candor even when it’s directed at you.
As Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric, said, “We are socialized from childhood to soften bad news or to make nice about awkward subjects. People don’t speak their minds because it’s simply easier not to. When you tell it like it is, you can so easily create a mess — anger, pain, confusion, sadness, resentment.”
We must let go of these fears to become effective communicators. We must be willing to do the hard work.
For more information, contact Kerry Siggins at kerry.siggins@stoneagetools.com. To read or sign up for her blog, visit www.kerrysiggins.com.